What Trevor Noah Taught Me About Forgiveness

It was Sunday morning. I walked into the gym prepared to listen to my favorite podcast. In the center of the screen was Spotify’s suggestion to listen to a Trevor Noah interview from The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett. I hadn’t thought of Trevor Noah in several years. Before I found God, I was convinced that knowing the most about the news, especially the liberal leaning news, would make me sound more intelligent, so I often watched his show, The Daily Show. Until I saw it flash by in the ad for this Spotify interview, I didn’t even know he had left the show. A quick google revealed that it happened almost two years ago.

The title of the interview was, “Trevor Noah: My Depression Was Linked to ADHD! Why I Left The Daily Show!” I decided to listen, not because I necessarily thought that I would learn from him how depression and ADHD are connected, but because hearing people’s perspectives on topics like this often gives me insight into myself and others. And as it turned out, it did, even though I didn’t even get to the part of the interview that was about depression and ADHD. God had something else for me.

When I clicked on the interview, it opened to a spot about 30 minutes in when Noah was discussing his mom being shot. I have not done further research on the matter or even listened to the entire two-hour interview. Instead, I only have his account from the 20-minute section I listened to during which I heard him talk about his experience of his mother being shot in the head. He talked about being sure she was going to die. He talked about the miracle of her survival. It was only after about 10 minutes that I realized that the man who shot her was his step-father. 

Because of laws in South Africa, his step-father didn’t go to jail. Domestic violence is not treated the same as other violence. And, although the United States court system is not quite so lenient in their treatment of those who inflict domestic violence upon others, I don’t think we are as far off as we would like to believe we are. Noah even mentioned this. But, that's not the interesting part.

What I found most interesting about the interview was how Noah talked about forgiveness. He described his mom as a religious woman. The internet tells me she is Christian, and that there is misinformation that she converted to Judaism. But, some sources also say she is Jewish. In an interview, I think Noah said she converted. I am honestly not that concerned about the reality for the purposes of what I am writing here. What was fascinating is that Noah’s mom’s response to being shot in the head by her spouse was to fully forgive him and to teach her son forgiveness.

Noah described the aftermath of his emotions compared to his mother’s. He went through stages of anger, rage, and all sorts of other emotions. His mother likely did too, but in the end, her response to it all was to forgive Noah’s step-father. Now, those who are holding a lot of anger are likely outraged at her forgiving him. I understand. I used to be full of anger, and I would have been angry at her forgiving him, too. I will say I have no idea if they ever got back together or what the nature of the relationship was in the end. But, forgiveness is not about that. Forgiveness happens on a spiritual level and that spiritual level dictates what happens on the physical level, not the other way around.

Whether they got back together doesn’t matter. What does, is that she forgave him. This doesn’t upset me, it actually brings me great joy for her. I know the relief and peace she found. I have practiced so much forgiveness in my own life and watched it heal me and those around me that I now would feel for her if she hadn’t forgiven him. And, for those experiencing outrage who need one last reminder, forgiveness is letting go of all the anger toward the other person. It is unsetting the hook of attachment. It is no longer letting them live in your head. It’s returning to compassion, understanding, and love–real love, not attachment. It’s not anything else.

Noah’s mom took that route. And yet, Noah describes the fact that he has never quite made it all the way there. In some ways, it’s relatable and human, and, in other ways, it shows me how I don’t want to end up. I don’t want to mostly forgive people. I want to get “all the way to love,” which is how Noah describes his mom’s reaction.

Moreover, Noah recognizes that so many young boys who witness domestic violence in the home end up becoming abusers as adults. He goes on to say that he believes it is a direct result of the anger. I fully believe this is true and have watched it play out time and time again in so many people I have known, especially in recovery. So, I’ll repeat the sentiment. The anger that young men hold toward their father or father figure for domestic violence toward their mother ends up being directly related to violence toward their partners when they are adults. I won’t say it is the cause, and I am about to explain why.

What is wild to me is that most of the time the following link is presented as an inevitable fact. Young men who experience domestic violence become violent as adults. But, what has become clear as day to me during the past few years while on my own journey to forgive everyone who I have ever perceived as harming me is the following. What is true is not, “young men who experience domestic violence become violent,” Instead, what is true is that “young men who experience domestic violence who hold their anger inside, who hold on to the grudge, who are not taught to forgive, who are not taught that God can help them forgive, who are not taught that by their own strength are unlikely to be able to fully forgive but, with enough prayer they can, who are not shown examples of profound forgiveness and the resulting healing and peace…”, those men are likely to grow up to be violent adults.

Now, did I get a little carried away in the message there? Perhaps. But, what I have seen time and time again is that true forgiveness is what breaks the chains that keep us repeating family patterns. My husband witnessed violence in his home as a kid. He went on to be a wild and angry adult until he got sober, found God, and learned to forgive. He didn’t learn to be kind or non-violent, he learned to forgive and kindness came naturally. His story is not unique. What is missing from society isn’t teaching people full of anger how to not take it out on others in anger management classes. They don’t need to learn to count to ten. I promise, they know how. The solution is teaching people the healing power of forgiveness. So, if you are the violent one, perhaps stop worrying about behavior change and look at who you’re unwilling to forgive. That’s what my husband had to do. It’s not witnessing violence that is the problem, it’s the years of anger and unforgiveness that follow.

Thank you Trevor Noah for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing your mother with us. Lessons in faith and forgiveness are everywhere around us. I truly believe God dropped this one today to make it abundantly clear to me, yet again, that it is not our experiences that cause us to do wrong. It is our own pride telling us not to forgive that perpetuates these patterns. It’s our own humility, one person at a time, that will end them